In India and many other countries across the world, we pass many things through multiple generations. The good ones being culture, values, traditions, recipes, rituals, extended family concept, and so on. Have you ever thought of what we should not pass on to the other generations? Something we all have seen and heard but never acknowledged to stop. It is patriarchy, domestic abuse, and acceptance of norms which weakens women at home and in the society. We normalize these as acceptable and say, ‘we are like that’. Because we fear challenging the perpetrators, which is all of Us.
When I was a child, hearing of our cousin sisters in the distant family die of suicide, or receiving a laundry list of expectations for dowry from their in-laws, dropping college due to marriage, not able to work post marriage or motherhood, suffering depression due to physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, living with an alcoholic husband or facing his anger issues, unable to attend festivals or marriages due to trauma of abusive marriage, was so common that it seemed part of many households’ fabric. I was naïve, unable to understand the root cause of it, which is Us. I grew thinking the problem is in the boys or their parents. Unaware of the real problem residing in Us, how we raise our children, our education system, and in conditioning household crime against women as a social norm. I silently observed these nuisances and told myself, ‘I will not marry and if I ever did it would be with the person who treats me as his equal’. Well, I got lucky with god’s grace and found a perfect life partner. Not everyone’s reality is the same. My heart goes for those whose life is a living hell.
Common lines in movies or something we have all heard from an older generation, ‘Jis ghar doli jati hai usi ghar sa arthi jati hai (Once married you only come out of that house after death); Ladakee ko jyaada mat padhao (Don’t educate the girl too much); ladakiyaan shadi ka baad kaam nahin karateen (girls don’t work after marriage); ladakon ko poore parivaar je liya kamana hoga (boys have to earn for the whole family); kuchh jhagade sabhee shadi ma hota hai (fight is part of all marriages); ek do thappad to chalta hai ( one two slaps are ok); girls don’t speak louder; girls don’t answer back; and many more.
These phrases signal how we condition acceptance of the most unacceptable to humans! In patriarchal society, boys are taught to earn a living for the house and girls to be caretakers. If she works (a small % as female labour force participation rate in India is between 35-40%), she is taught to take care of both home and work, meaning double work. Soon she drops off from workplace. Increasing number of bullying or toxic behaviors are reported at work against women. If something unacceptable happens in the marriage or at work/school/college, parents either teach the girl to compromise, or refuse to stand by their daughter due to the societal pressure or fear of divorce, single hand raising a child or financial burden. Thus, millions of girls face brutal relationships year on year, without any intervention from any side of our society.
After marriage parents never ask how is your marriage? In schools or colleges there is no subject on how to safeguard oneself from an abusive relationship or marriage. Workplaces miss creating policies to promote female employee career progression or financial loans to support them in difficult times.
Abuse or violence in a marriage, relationship or any sphere of life is not an overnight phenomenon. Many warning signs surface up, starting with a simple doubt, raising voice, argument, slap, name calling, yelling, threatening to harm, or simply isolating her from the family or work. Girls don’t even know how these signs start to mount up before they turn into fear, which they don’t share or have no solution to. Close to 30% marriages in India as per National family Health Survey in 2022, face domestic violence and the actual numbers are far more and never reported.
Older generation didn’t know how to figure a way out and the newer generation doesn’t know how to find a way forward. Our girls and children witness these hideous crimes without anyone coming for their rescue. Years of being cut off from the family. Loss of time, in lieu that one day the boy or his family will change. Millions of women spend a lifetime in hope and experiencing life with brutality and her children grow up with trauma against marriage or get caught in a vicious cycle themselves.
In some cases, the news of death follows or in others’ girls put up a brave face and show up saying, ‘he has changed now.’ Parents rejoice and everything is normal. While the reality is she continues to live in hell.
Kids in the next generation, afraid of marriage and delaying it till they are independent. Financial independence paired with higher education makes it hard to find a suitable boy, leading to increasing cases of the newer generation deciding not to marry.
The road is long till this will change. Maybe a few generations away till we witness the needle moving. Till we get there we all deserve better. Start with yourself, as it is said ‘he helps those who help themselves.’
Those in education or workplace, build policies which help young girls and women realize how to continue and unleash their potential to grow. You are part of the society. In absence of these policies create a movement to demand them. If you as part of the society can find a way to offer a solution to this chronic disease, which is an abusive or failed relationship, imagine what you can contribute towards accelerating economic and social growth.
To the younger generation including my cousins, nieces, and children, I emphasize – educate yourself, but more than that know what to do with the education; learn self-defense but more than that cultivate a sense of self-realization; be aware of the signs and symptoms of any kind of abuse and more than that build your weapons to fight back; don’t just get married but find a partner who can be your equal partner; don’t be the bread earner instead be the bread sharer; don’t just support your in-laws after marriage instead take care of both sides of your parents; don’t have kids in fact raise your children as a joint responsibility; doesn’t matter who earns more or less in reality earn each other’s respect; don’t decide what your partner should wear instead focus on how he/she feel safe and loved; marry late or early but marry the right person; take pride in helping your partner be in kitchen, work, laundry, so your children experience equal parenting; if you decide to not marry or walk out of it ensure you have social circles for life-long companionship with siblings or close family or friends; take help as asking for support is a sign of strength; seek counselling if unable to speak as the courage to open up will teach you to speak up; have boundaries and awareness of what is not acceptable so you give a frame to each relation and not flexibility to harm you; don’t be afraid to break a tie because you have small kids, instead think how you lead with example for them; don’t let anyone break you from inside; and don’t normalize acceptance of what is not acceptable to you.
Don’t be the victim or perpetrator. Just be you!