We talk about equality in the 21st century more than ever, demanding it in society, workplaces, and politics. Yet, we forget to make it a prerequisite in marriage. Historically, marriages have never been equal. We only talk about marriage in equal caste or financial band or religion. In this, we are both culprits and victims.
Parental View
Parents spend a lifetime saving to marry off their daughters, girls who are educated, intelligent, independent thinkers, curious about life, and full of dreams. This spending is one of the deepest roots of unequal marriage and gender inequality. It has become an almost mandatory societal expectation. This expenditure covers hosting functions, arranging gifts, dowry, and meeting endless expectations from the groom’s side. Let’s look closely at these.
Dowry, especially in Asia, continues to exist, just in different forms. What we call gifts is often simply dowry in disguise. Why must anything be given to the groom’s side at all? Isn’t the daughter herself the greatest we could give. From gold chains and cash to clothes for the entire family, sponsored honeymoons, vehicles, and jewelry, the list is endless. Traditionally, trousseau or bridal goods were meant to support the woman in her new home, offering security. Today, there is no clear definition. In the name of rituals, demands and expectations often become excessive and unreasonable.
This pressure discourages parents from investing in girls’ education or financial independence. Many push for early marriage just to fulfill their perceived duty. The consequences are visible, skewed sex ratios, low female labor force participation, career dropouts after marriage or childbirth. Truly, this system fuels female feticide, debt, domestic violence, loss of women’s agency, and ultimately we feed with this system to male dominance and female subordination. All leading to unequal marriage.
Girls’ View
We live in a both-and world.
Many women continue to endure marriages marked by pressure and violence, simply because they have nowhere to go, or because of societal judgment. Some even choose to end their lives rather than leave their marriages.
At the same time, a growing number of women are choosing a different path. They pursue education, build careers, and live independently, without feeling the need for marriage to define their lives. Some even walk out of unhappy marriages late in life, finally saying, enough is enough! At the root lies a fundamental issue, we never teach our daughters how to disagree or stand up for what is right. We condition them to say yes to adapt, and to change themselves, rather than question or reshape the world they live in. We teach them not to speak up and keep volume down.
Before marriage, they live in their parents’ version of the world. After marriage, they transition into their husband’s world, often sacrificing their own ambitions. With children, their identity is further shaped into just a caregiver. Somewhere along the way, she forgets who she is and what she wants.
The examples are many, a cousin staying in an abusive marriage because she has nowhere else to go; a colleague managing children’s exams alone while her husband remains disengaged; a friend choosing independence over marriage to protect her freedom. The range and depth of these realities are endless.
Boys’ View
They are being brought up as privilege ones. Raja Beta syndrome which we all see around us. Because our homes and marriages are unequal, they never learn the definition of equality. I once heard someone say, having a boy is privilege which explains why our country is obsessed with having boys even at the cost of killing unborn girls. Growing up in unequal homes and marriages, boys never truly learn what equality looks like.
Even if their girlfriend or partner tries to teach and expects them to be equal, the home and society will not let that be for long. As a result, their values are not aligned with true equality value. From childhood, they are not expected to adjust, compromise, or even take responsibility in the way girls are. They are not told to help in the kitchen, manage the house, or take care of others as a normal household duty. These are still seen as helping and not as their responsibility. This conditioning stays with them lifelong.
Another reality is emotional conditioning. Boys are not taught to express, to listen, or to engage in difficult conversations. While we teach our girls to not reply back and tone down. When these two meet, conflicts arise in marriage, instead of partnership, there is distance. Instead of dialogue, there is dominance or disengagement. Leading to inequality of emotions.
So called quite boys or those who are not so explicit are unable to speak up, when families demand gifts or dowry, unnecessary rituals, or unfair expectations. How many stand up to say no. Their inaction becomes approval. And this is where unequal marriages get sealed even before they begin.
Home’s view
Our home ecosystem is the cradle of inequality we see around. From raising our kids differently gender wise. Their emotional, physical, mental and social conditioning varies. We are responsible for it. Our homes don’t lead with examples of fathers and mothers doing equally to running home and raising kids. So, by the time they grow up, their understanding of roles is already fixed. Entering marriage, they are not creating something new, they are simply repeating what they have always seen. We cannot blame marriages alone for inequality, homes are where it all begins and get normalised.
Society’s View
Society is a mere spectator and celebrates unequal marriages. They demand big fat Indian wedding, they decide how we condition our kids, they tell us how to mold our home. We don’t question the foundation; just sit on the fence and celebrate the event. Until society stops rewarding inequality, families will continue to follow it.
What needs to change
Change has to start at home, not at the time of marriage. Raise children equally with same responsibility, same voice, same independence. Boys need to see equality practiced, not just spoken. Girls need to be taught to question, disagree, and choose for themselves.
Let us stop treating marriage as a milestone to achieve at any cost. It has to be a choice, not a compulsion. Shift the focus from show, status, and what will people say to respect, compatibility, and partnership. A marriage built on approval will never be equal. And most importantly, let’s normalise walking away. From pressure, from unfair expectations, from marriages that are not equal. Adjustment cannot be the only answer. Pause, reflect, and if needed, exit. Equality in marriage will not come from big ideas. It will come from small, firm choices, made early, and lived every day.
• Please keep marriages simple.
• Don’t waste your savings on showoff to the world. If you wish, give it to your children as a fund for life. Imagine if instead of spending lakhs on decoration and gifts, you built an emergency fund for a rainy day. If you wish to give something, let it be instead of gold, courageous heart to your child, so she/he can walk out if need be, from an inequal marriage.
• Keep your home doors open, for your children, without judgement, without conditions.
• Look for a partner who accepts you as an equal, without any giving or receiving. He or she should value you without trying to change you. A relationship built on your own efforts, striving for equality in every aspect, be it home, career, raising kids, growing together, will be more valuable than the gifts you bring.
• When you have kids, raise them equally, be it a boy or a girl. Gender sensitive kids is what the world needs to build an equal society.
• As they grow, instill the belief that partnership means equality, not one above the other, not one adjusting for the other, but both building together.
• Look for signs of unhappiness or resistance in relationships. Don’t keep adjusting, instead pause, reflect, and reset.
• Life is far more precious than holding on to a broken marriage. Don’t chose to give up, instead chose to build up!