Two thoughts have been weighing on my mind to pen down this post. One is ‘Life is a constant cycle between losing your spark and finding it again.’ Another is ‘Wabi Sabi which in Japanese means beauty in imperfection.’
When we surface up from the rock-bottom phase, everything around looks promising to take that one step up and find strength again. Something similar happened when I lost my father and faith in everything around me. I lost my spark and the reason to wake up every morning. It was almost like an existential crisis. I stayed in that phase for a while and yet searched for the ray of light. Each day I took a small step to clarity. Trying hands on painting, meditation, travel, family, writing, silently questioning who I am, what I enjoy doing and what I am made of. It was a process of becoming a mess of confusion to regain clarity. In a few months I started to find myself again.
I went back to work. With everything NEW – sector, role, team dynamics, ways of working. Thinking it will help me find the spark as I will bring my leadership and learning agility on board. As the role unfolded, it brought in change and challenge, I started to get overwhelmed. Which made me doubt if I am the same person who thieved on them. My favorite byline used to be ‘Give me the most difficult task to turn impossible into possible.’ In a few months I realized that wasn’t true. Was something inside me changing or was I failing to hold my core? A new season of fog engulfed me. I was making mistakes and I was turning to be broken beyond repair.
Realizing the grief was unsettled and my broken pieces were all jumbling up, making me vulnerable once again. I felt caught in the vicious cycle of being a complete mess. Plus, my inability to speak up and share. Reflecting on what this pattern is trying to teach. Remember what the movie Interstellar said, ‘The patterns repeating in front of us are trying to teach us a lesson we are meant to learn in this lifetime.‘
Someone along the way came as a breather and said, ‘We all are imperfect and we are bound to make mistakes. We need to embrace it and fill the cracks up. I have your back to sail this through.’ This conversation gave me courage and changed my perspective. Instead of bottling everything up, she let my emotions flow and allowed me to not be too hard on myself.
Slowly, I am starting to see that healing is not about fixing every broken piece or becoming the version of myself, I once was. It is about learning to carry my cracks or imprecation with grace. The very things I was trying to hide, my grief, confusion, mistakes, and vulnerability, were perhaps not signs of weakness but reminders that I am human and that’s why not perfect.
Wabi Sabi started to make sense to me. Beauty does not lie in being flawless or having it all figured out. It lies in embracing the scars, the detours, the unfinished chapters, and the lessons they leave behind. The cracks do not diminish my worth; they tell the story of what I have endured and survived.
I do not claim to have found all the answers. There are still days when the fog returns and self-doubt whispers louder than confidence. But I am learning that losing your spark is not the end of the story. Sometimes it is merely an invitation to rediscover my depth, in a more authentic way.
Today, remembering my father and the whole year cycle of moving in a loop, I am learning to be gentler with myself. To celebrate progress over perfection. To accept that strength is not always found in having everything figured out, but in allowing myself to break, heal, and begin again.
the beauty of life is indeed in its constant cycle between losing your spark and finding it again. And trusting the big plan universe has of sending the right person at the right time to help find our way back to the light, carrying a little more wisdom, a little more compassion, and a little more appreciation for the beautiful imperfections that make me who I am.